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Kayamone A. Sutton's Friends
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Why...
About this category: Peace & Conflict
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Why do we hurt the ones we love?
That's the question..
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Why...
About this category: Peace & Conflict
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Why do we hurt the ones we love?
That's the question..
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Save Them...
Related to country: Palestine
About this category: Human Rights
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They suffer from an incurable disease called Hope..
Hope for liberation and independance..
Hope for a normal life with neither heroes nor victims..
Hope to see their children go safely to school..
Hope for a pregnant woman to give birth in a hospital and not a dead child before a military checkpoint..
Hope that their poets will see the beauty of the colour red in roses rather than in blood..
Hope that their land will return to its original name : The Land of Love and Peace ..
Carry with them the burden of this Hope!
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Jobs
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Democrats eye new jobs agenda
The May jobs report paints a bleak economic outlook. | AP Photo Close
Senate Democrats are beginning to fear that the country’s increasingly dim economic outlook will cost them their seats in 2012 and are trying to craft a new agenda aimed at spurring job creation.
While there is no shortage of ideas of what a plan could include — from a payroll tax holiday to increased infrastructure spending — Democrats haven’t settled on the details or whether to craft one large package or push through a series of narrow measures. They’re also unsure how to sell their plans to the public or how to engage Senate Republicans.
Continue Reading
VIDEO: Obama on jobs in N.C.
VIDEO: DNC Chair on economy
“There’s no easy answer to this,” Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-Conn.) told POLITICO.
Fearing the economy may be getting worse, Democrats plan to soon unveil what they’ll call a “Jobs First” agenda — and the stakes are high. A bleak economic outlook, like the May jobs report, could cost Democrats their thin Senate majority and even the White House if they can’t make a strong case to an anxious electorate that their policies will create jobs.
Senate Democrats are now grappling with ways to gain an edge in the economic debate dominated by budget talk. For instance, in an attempt to woo Republicans, Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) and the White House are open to extending a payroll tax break to stimulate the economy, but that has spawned unease from Democratic senators such as Maryland’s Ben Cardin who worry that it would drive up the deficit and unnerve liberals such as Vermont’s Bernie Sanders, who are concerned it would deplete the Social Security trust fund.
Sen. Mark Begich has enlisted business officials to present senators with their ideas for bolstering job creation, and the Alaska Democrat wants his party to unveil a package full of proposals — like a boost in infrastructure spending and changes to visas to boost tourism — that one by one could be brought to the floor over the next several weeks.
But others, like Lieberman, said the best way to regain confidence in the economy is to wait out Vice President Joe Biden and the bipartisan group of six senators who are negotiating a major deficit-slashing package as part of a deal to raise the $14.3 trillion national debt ceiling by early August.
Read more: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0611/57319.html#ixzz1PpJ6HpDp
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Brooke Fraser - Flags
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Brooke Fraser's "Flags" has been keeping my mood up over the past couple of weeks.I feel like so many things happen over this short period of time, I hardly have time nor energy to look back and reassure myself that I have come a certain way and to remind myself that it doesn't make it cheap because nobody else knows and/or nobody else values it as much as I do. Here is one song that I find quite striking: Who Are We Fooling - Brooke Fraser and Aqualung
So we're back here again Tip-toeing 'round the edge of the end Wondering who will be last to admit That we're finally over
Turned twenty one on the day that we met Terrible shoes and plausible dress It's funny how sad the funny things get as you grow older
Better or worse But what else can we do? And better or worse I am tethered to you If it's not either of us Tell me who are we fooling?
I learned the art of biting my tongue I got tired of trying to guess what was wrong Both agreed on where we should go But not how to get there
We tried and tried to loosen the knots Thinking once we're untangled we'll be better off But it's these failures and faults that hold us together
Better or worse But what else can we do? And better or worse I am tethered to you If it's not either of us Tell me who are we fooling?
This beautiful tangle that's bruising us blue It's a beautiful knot that we just can't undo Together we're one but apart tell me Who are we fooling?
'Cause real love Is hard love It's all we have It's a break-neck Train wreck It's all we have
So we're back here again Turning away from the edge of the end Arm in arm
Better or worse But what else can we do? And better or worse I am tethered to you If it's not either of us Tell me who are we fooling?
This beautiful tangle that's bruising us blue It's a beautiful knot we just can't undo If it's not either of us, tell me who are we fooling?
Together we're one, but apart tell me Who are we fooling? And FYI, I'm going to play this one day. :P 
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| November 9, 2010 | 6:11 AM |
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Dreamlike - I like it.
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Untitled 2 - Hopes and Fears, Keane (2004) You chewed me up and you spat me out
The foolish boy that I am
So I chose to wander around and around
And make myself a man
I thought the world could be changed by
A good song and a smile
But it's been this way such a long time
So maybe I'm wrong
So long ago it must be
You're still the one that's troubling me
And still so far, so far away
I sat with a tear in my hand on a day so long ago
Inside I am an ogre
With the simple thoughts of a child
I say what I think and I need to be loved
But I guess that's not your style
So long ago it must be
But you're still the one that's troubling me
And still so far, so far away
I sat with a tear in my hand on a day so long ago Walnut Tree - Perfect Symmetry, Keane (2008)
Once there was a great storm
Pushed my head beneath the waves, I was gone
Underneath the walnut tree
Where you said you'd wait for me
And I waited a long, long time I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
Why, why do I come here?
Seeking out the memories I handed
Cause you put your spell on me
Made me live a memory
And I'm frozen in just the wrong time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time
I waited a long, long time 
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| October 3, 2010 | 4:10 AM |
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Mmm.
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Want to get back to this: Something In The Water - Flags, Brooke Fraser (Oct 12, 2010!!)
Do do do do do do do do do do
I wear a demeanor made of bright pretty things What she wears, what she wears, what she wears Birds singing on my shoulder in harmony it seems How they sing, how they sing, how they sing Give me nights of solitude, red wine just a glass or two, Reclined in a hammock on a balmy evening I’ll pretend that it's nothing that's skipping my heart when I think Of you thinking of me babe I'm crazy over you Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! There's something in the water, something in the water Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah! There's something in the water that makes me love you like... I got halos made of summer, rhythms made of spring
What she wears, what she wears, what she wears
I got crowds of words I've woven: each one a song to sing
Oh I sing, oh I sing, oh I sing
Give me long days in the sun, preludes to the nights to come
Previews of the mornings laying in all lazy
Give me something fun to do like a life of loving you
Kiss me quick now baby I'm still crazy over you
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
There's something in the water, something in the water
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
There's something in the water that makes me love you like I do
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh x 3
Give me nights of solitude, red wine, just a glass or two
Give me something fun to do...
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
There's something in the water, something in the water
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
There's something in the water that makes me love you like I do
(x 2)
Do do do do do do do do do do
FYI: working on these chords right now... 
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| September 21, 2010 | 6:09 AM |
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Try Again
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So I think maybe I've forgotten how to appreciate things for what they are, maybe because I'm trying so hard to improve, there's some sort of resentment or envy at things that don't change and/or I have no control over. Maybe I stopped appreciating things because I didn't feel appreciated. "Try Again" - Under The Iron Sea, Keane (2006)
I fell asleep on a late night train
I missed my stop and I went round again
Why would I want to see you now?
To fix it up, make it up somehow
Baby I'll try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time
What I was isn't what I am
I'd change back but I don't know if I can
Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time
But I was made the way I am
I'm not a stone; I'm just a man
Lay down your arms and I will lay down mine
Rip back the time that we've been wasting
God I wish you could see me now
You'd pick me up and you'd sort me out
Baby I'll try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time Technorati Tags : Cherrieland
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| September 11, 2010 | 8:09 AM |
| August 27, 2010 | 11:08 AM |
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Black Burning Heart
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Keane. Black Burning Heart. Perfect Symmetry 2008. I wish that I could be
In the cellars of the sea
And disappear in them
Never to be seen again
Leave this life
Its unrelenting appetite
For feeding off the weak
Who never had their time to speak
The sky will be my shroud
A monument of cloud
If we could turn back
You can paper over the crack
But it will return now
And your heart will burn black
Give me your hand
Cut the skin, let me in
The molecules of us
Bleeding into one again
The sky will be my shroud
A cenotaph of cloud
If we could turn back
You can paper over the crack
But it will return now
And your heart will burn black
Forgotten my way home
Forgotten everything that I know
Every day a false start
And it burns my heart I know everything you said was right and I suppose
Everything is here forever till it goes
You gave it all away, kept nothing for yourself
Just a picture on the shelf
Je souhaiterai m'immerger dans les profondeurs des mers
Y disparaî tre pour ne plus jamais être vu
Burning up
Now I'm racing down a road I don't recognise
I realise I've forgotten my way home
Forgotten everything that I know
Every day a false start
And it burns my heart Turn back ---- Also just read this: Dying GP's Plea for Euthanasia [article] 
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If...
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If I feel depressed I will sing. If I feel sad I will laugh. If I feel ill I will double my labour. If I feel fear I will plunge ahead. If I feel inferior I will wear new garments. If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice. If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come. If I feel incompetent I will think of past success. If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals. Today I will be the master of my emotions. 
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Snippets from Today
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With the same spirit as Overheard @ University of Auckland, I report part of a conversation I overheard in the tea-room 1: A: How’s your project?
B: Hm... experiments aren’t really working... just generating data, you know.
A: ...mmm... sooo, are you changing directions, in terms of like... your project? WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Did you know that there’s a group called The Asian Network Inc. (TANI)? I’m still not really sure about these race-specific entities (organisations?) established in the name of representation (democracy?). Does this entity need to relate to you, so that they understand you (ahem, they probably need to be Asian, for starters)? But then aren’t you really highlighting that nobody gives a damn about you unless (a) it’s their job and (b) they can relate to you, but (b) only works if they are like you, but nobody (or entity) is really like you, especially one that tries to be like the whole of Asia, so basically, these sorts of entities actually just break up information into semi-arbitrary groups and then people “out there” never really see information holistically? I mean, one of their recent endeavours is to tell “Asians” how they are predisposed to heart disease - but it’d be sort of good to know how that compares with other genotypes and various genotypes with different diets and lifestyles and also the variability within these groups and... oh, nevermind, you’ve stopped reading.
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Articles From Around the InterwebsOtago scientists “recreate” human face from 2500 y.o. bones [ article/video]. I’m not really interested in that story, but I want to know where I can find information about just how much information about flesh you can gather from bones. What do you call that?Anthropology?... But hey, there’s a fellow '06 Biomeder in the video. :P Boy, oh boy, multifactedness!!! [ article]. Honestly, is that a word? Solar-powered aeroplane + interesting comments. [ article] New service for people with eating disorders [ article]. I was going to say how annoying it was that this article tells you nothing useful, but then I realised it’s Newstalk ZB, so its site just provides snippets, not articles, right? So, deviating from my usual rant about the deterioration 2 of news reporting/writing, I will say that Google News shouldn’t index Newstalk ZB. On a related note - notice how Google search results have become more trashy and irrelevant? Will post an example soon... Child abuse leads to mental disorders [ article]. Apart from that it’s re-stating common belief without any proof, don’t you think psychoses are being sold like... I dunno, IQ scores and other socially-enforced labels? (sorry, I'm reading The Mismeasure of Man atm) The Social Network [ movie trailer]. Are they serious? Kevin Spacey is the producer and he reckons it'd be funnier than people expect 3?
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Random ThoughtsI want to replenish my lab-candy stash. I need to exercise. I'm getting fat. Wouldn’t it be interesting to record my stream of consciousness for a day? Not today. I still need some new shoes, regardless of how comfortable walking around in running shoes is.
Nowadays when people ask how long it'll be until I finish "studying", I am overly-sensitive to their mild (if existent) tone of why-are-you-still-studying? Now, they don't know me and so I don't really care, but I do sometimes feel that it is something wrong with me that I've taken so long to accept (i.e. more than just realise, but to understand) some things - like, it's okay to have my own ideas and to put them out there, that people around me don't have the answers already and that this process (if done well) is/can be more humility- and curiosity-driven, not purely ego-driven. It's sort of like I had this set of ideals at the beginning and then somehow, seeing/experiencing new things put me into defence/scared mode questioning my own beliefs, motives, philosophies... and I've come back almost all the way around, but not quite because it's like I'm in a different place/plane now and am almost the same, but not quite.
It's freaking cold in Auckland, right now! ---
Nike Reuse A ShoeNike is collecting old trainers and selling you new trainers at a discounted price. This service is now available in NZ, at Nike Platinum stores. I didn’t know about this until today and I don’t know if it’s useful or controversial or what. I’m just putting it out there.
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Langendorff Hearts
So, I Googled “Langendorff heart perfusion” and stumbled upon:
**Speechless** But one idea from this - I will now be able to put my washing weigh boat directly beneath the cannula, which might shorten my time, though the dripping might hinder my finding of the aorta if the initial dissection wasn’t very good.
Then I clicked this, because I thought maybe I would see a commercially-sold system:
Then I saw this:
What the hell is Luck’s solution? Is that a joke? . . . then I discovered a mine-field of cardiac physiology videos on Youtube. . . . Your next BSc (Physiology), University of Youtube. It’s all there in text, audio, video, animation... and I’m sure if you looked hard enough there’d be a play somewhere. Well, if there isn’t a play, at least there’s this Professorial dance: John C. Grammer. And damn, there’s a music video featuring the cardiac myocyte techno-dance group.
Makes me feel slightly better about what I try to aim for, but then I'm not really sure why my voltage-clamping success rate is so low - I mean, there was a time when I was patching continuously throughout the day - I guess it could be a combination of skill and slight differences in setup and enzymatic digestion.
Footnotes
1 I am finding ways to make good of a bad situation - open offices, a tea room shared by effectively 3 floors, a toilet that takes me 6 to 8 door openings and a flight of stairs to get to. I’m surprised the toilet cubicals don’t have swipe card access. They can monitor that, too. May it please the court. >:)
2 Or I'm getting older.
3 According to Wikipedia, which cites MTV. Funny how social gossip can now be referenced like it's scholarly. Tea hea.
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Mid-Year Review
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God, yesterday I clicked "Publish Post" instead of "Save Now", so a semi-edited post appeared in readers all over the globe! *gasp* Well, it's okay because (1) I know how many subscribers I have and I'm sure half of them are from my previous testing of various RSS readers, while the other half are bots, (2) I doubt anything is offensive, maybe except the length and grammar/punctuation errors. Anyway, FYI, I have several posts stored in "draft" that I don't intend to "publish" and this was going to be one of those. But, since it went out, it might as well stay out in case some poor soul out there is panicking about whether or not I "un"-published it for other reasons. And also, what the hell, who gives a shit? Maybe someone out there wants to read about ME. Bafflement. *** resolutions *** June, 2010 and the resolution I am excelling at is practising playing the guitar on a regular basis. The learning is straight-forward, as it is just memorising where your fingers go, a rhythm and practising it so that you don't have to think about it consciously any more. As that begins to happen, you can start singing along, which is enjoyable. Over time, the fingers in your left hand increase in strength and form callouses at the tips, while your right hand/arm relaxes during strumming and your ear becomes better tuned. For some reason, my sitting position renders my left leg numb after an hour of practising. Wrt sleeping, I am almost always in bed by 11:30 p.m. (improvement from last year), but sleep has not been easy. I definitely do not get up at 6 a.m. In fact, I find it difficult to get up. I think this pattern was worst after Beijing/Kyoto* (I am not sure why I found so many things during that trip upsetting), but the past 3 nights or so have been quite good, as in, I feel warm and comfy and wake up about 20 mins before my alarm. I am still playing catch-up and I still wake-up in the middle of the night, but the warm, rested feeling is there, which is good. :) I am completing the Run Auckland Series, but I am not exercising twice a week and likely, less than once a week, when you take into account the weekends I spent finishing a poster, entertaining family, overseas (though I ran in Beijing) or bashing my head against the lab wall/bench (not many as last year, I must admit). I am no longer driving on a regular basis. I stopped biting my nails for months, but have started again. iPod-listening is back to baseline. But next week, I'll try to stop again. I have stopped Twittering since May 5 (with the exception of one post promoting my sister). Apparently, I still feel the need to express myself on the evil Facebook, though I might have at least halved my activity. The goal is still to stop the nonsense completely (except for at home, although technically, that is wasting time, too). One strategy I have is keeping a paper and my lit. review open, so I have something to do when I forget I am not idle (i.e. procrastinate). I am not sure why I Fb, since 90% of the stuff is completely useless to me, but I guess sometimes I will write something and wait for people to comment. I guess if I make more of an effort in my real social life, I won't feel the need to be social online. well, apparently talking and hugs will boost my oxytocin. Why don't they make that in a pill or a morning omelette? Honestly. *** blogging *** Well, you may have noticed (or not) that I hadn't blogged in 3 months. Well, I avoided it, because I was: - embarrassed about my stupid/repetitive thoughts
- worried it contributed to my "over-thinking" by giving me a medium to dwell and a reason to analyse
- worried that it would divert time from the Ph.D. and/or sleep
- worried it was removing any motivation to talk to real people
- too angry/sad/tired about most things and didn't know how to express it
- actually keeping busy with guitar/painting/reading/writing/etc./etc.
But you know what? It's one of my outlets and it sort of works (minus the oxytocin thing). *** anger/sadness *** The problem: I am often angry/irritable and sad/easily-upset. The approach: - Find out what is causing these feelings: (a) external stimulus, (b) internal reaction; and/or
- Find practical strategies to avoid these feelings: e.g. (a) assertive response, (b) compassion
I guess (1) is "why" (and a psychological black hole), while (2) is "how". I tend to think (2) is more important and harder (refer Resolutions above), while (1) is sort of easy in that you can invoke almost anything and rationalise it and you can go on forever down that psychological spiral of "causation" and not derive anything useful (see below). But you can use (1) to guide (2), I suppose. (1) No cause, no problem: Is this even a problem? Maybe this is normal (part of life). Maybe I create the anger and sadness as excuses not to try harder. (2) PhD/Science: I should know that it would be hard: experiments are tough, thought even tougher and scientists the toughest. I should know, but maybe I didn't know and getting to know is disrupting the framework in my brain. Experiments - I find it frustrating that I've had recurring problems, some of which I still cannot fix by myself. Sometimes I feel it is beyond my control, but I believe that it. is. my. fault. Responsibility causes me to strive and stress, but I feel that at some point, I will conclude I have no aptitude and to stop wasting everybody's time. However, I also believe that if you can motivate yourself to keep trying, you will get it. Knowledge - I find it frustrating I don't know a lot of things about materials, or electronic circuitry or chemistry kinetics or physics of diffusion or differential calculus or why if men have such good spatial skills they still pee over the toilet seat. I mean, some of that stuff I have tried to understand on numerous occasions, but I don't know why it doesn't stick. It used to because I can see the forms of these things and they are reminiscent of things I have understood before - but why not now? Or have I never understood? Problem-solving - sometimes I think I am problem-solving in clever ways, other times I don't. Usually the latter are in the lab. Motivation/mood management - I've always been described as a self-motivated person, but I am finding this a bit difficult. I am not sure why, as I have crashed before. But I am in a different place, with different people and I am different, too. Scientists - People who try to be as objective and critical as they can, but are actually human beings. Therefore, they use the same tricks that all other humans use to keep the positive mentality necessary for survival (e.g. maintaining a postive self-image, cognitive dissonance, compassion, etc.). However, these strategies are not objective and not critical of oneself. How do they separate these things in their brains? How does one create a distance to their feelings, but remain compassionate? The end point - Presently, I cannot see myself completing this Ph.D. without a lot of help, though it will be completed. But I don't want to be a struggling scientist - sure, hard-working - but not struggling simply because I'm not very good and/or I don't have enough confidence. I want to be excited/nervous about a chance to try, not dread that something will go wrong. I think it would be wise to make that call honestly - what your chances are in this profession - that includes your skills/IQ and emotional maturity. I still think being a scientist is the coolest thing - you are able to try to understand/test so many things and even outside the lab, you can understand what people are on about without breaking a sweat! Science/Academia - A friend once told me that achievement is knowing that you did your best, while success is being acknowledged for it. The latter is nice, but not necessary. That actually isn't true, because you need to be recognised for your work (publication/citation/promotion), otherwise, you will sink. I think you are given a number of chances to prove yourself (Post-docs) and if you don't, you will really struggle to further. I don't know what your options are, then - technician? industry? teaching? To start again elsewhere in your late 30's? (3) Adulthood: Maybe the oestrogens have crashed my brain (spatial ability/logic, etc.) or maybe it's just promoting that thing on my priority list (i.e. find man, make babies|a.k.a. fall in love, start a family). I mean, sometimes I worry that I am behind on that race (as in, maybe I should think about putting on running shoes and maybe making my way to the starting line), but at the end of the day, I do meet new people on a semi-regular basis and they don't run away screaming. So, I figure it's okay to just wait until I meet someone I like and trust. Sure, right now I'm not the most fun person to be around, but then again I've never been more stressed (amplitude and duration), so they can take it or leave it. The part that worries me a little more is my inability to open up to people, but then XYZ was saying that really you shouldn't say much to anybody except your lover. I guess everybody has their way. (4) Depression: Maybe the over-active sympathetic drive has crashed my brain. I think adrenalin dampens neurogenesis. Does it? But mild trauma promotes it. Knock-out studies, right? :P For the record, I still don't think I'm depressed. Perhaps lacking in motivation. Not the same. (5) Events: Continual input, not enough resources to process. Some are: How do people motivate themselves? XYZ x 2 are always able to bounce back from disappointments. Do they have a(n unrealistic) belief in themselves or are they just that good in self-motivation or do they utilise their support network effectively?
How can people be so hypocritical and narrow-minded? XYZ always asks for XYZ's help, but then complains about it to other people. Where's the gratitude, man? Why is it that some people are always so comfortable with asking for help? People always leave people hanging - is it a power issue or selfishness issue? How is it that people are so positively-deluded? They say believe they are one thing, but are not. They place judgements on others that they have not placed on themselves. They have analysed one thing in someone else's situation, but cannot see the similarity in their's. Why is it that people listen to their own idea about you, but not you?
Does everyone actually have low self-esteem? Why is it that people don't really tell the truth or open up? It annoys me how some people can say things just to be agreeable, but on the other hand, it's annoying when people don't know the correct time/place to address conflicts. Some people hide behind veils. A good example is specialisation - some people use that to "justify" an ignorance that is perhaps due to laziness.
And I could fit all or some of the above. I don't know. Do I? Do I lie to myself, for example, not admitting that perhaps I like the idea of Science, but not the real thing?
But 99% of XYZs I meet are nice, caring people and generally, my interactions with people are positive (i.e. the characteristics above just are, they don't mean you're not a good person). I hope I'm good and that people don't get annoyed with contradictions or uncertainties over where I stand wrt to loyalty, effort, etc. But I know they do. *sigh* I don't know. All I know is, every-time something happens, I ask questions in my head, there are no answers and I don't know. Obviously, I cannot go into details here, even if I remove names. But on so many occasions, I want to replay the incident or conversation and ask someone, "what just happened? why? why did they say that? how should I have reacted to that?" because my range of knowledge/understanding is so small, my reactions are lumped into yay! grr. wahh. aww. argh!
But I mean, it's good in that they give me something to re-adjust my "framework". It was getting a bit old and repetitive (dogmatic?), so I'm at least having to think of different shades of the original main ideas to explain the new things I am seeing. I suppose that is quite entertaining. But honestly, thought should go into scientific problems, not these child-like philosophical problems about life and human nature! Those things are boring (subjective)!!!
The conclusion: Just keep going, but keep trying to not-stress and to find ways of expressing myself clearly. You may think that this is a meaningless solution, but I think this exercise helped me arrive at that and not something else that is more pathetic. So, don't judge me!
***Beijing/Kyoto***
So, did you know I went to BEIJING and KYOTO?! I find it slightly weird to talk about because I haven't achieved enough to deserve it. But, met lots of interesting people, saw lots of interesting things and had lots of thought-provoking conversations. ISHR is so different to Biophysics! I won't even try to summarise it, because frankly I haven't resolved all of them in my head (hence, bad sleep I guess) and it would be quite a large chapter. There were quite a few times when I got the hint that I was being a bit too intense and maybe not sensitive enough to other people's feelings. :S :( *stabs stomach* But I got to present a poster, which was uber fun and made me feel better that I was doing more to "earn" the trip. 
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SFO: Gonna Keep This Superficial
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Scientific Meeting: 20/02/2010 - 24/02/2010 ~ 9:30 pm Monday 01/03/2010 Basically, I have kept it superficial because even though I am FULL of thoughts and feelings from SFO, I (1) am tired and (2) really just want to get into thinking about the Ph.D. stuff. Nerd me up. But I have to be wary of being too impatient - I must be thoughtful and careful. I must ration my motivation and energy. I will also trust that my brain will work on these new inputs sub-consciously.
~ 5:30 am Sunday 28/02/2010
Exhausted. Long days and nights, but the advantage is you get extremely good sleep. I love hotel beds - they are big and comfy. I discovered a new position to enable sleep on planes - IM me for details, other 1.52 m persons! Lonely. Got attached to company after ~24/7 of it. Always surprises me that I don't miss solitude as much as I think I will. Sure, perhaps I will or get annoyed with people after a longer period, but going home by myself and seeing everybody else eagerly return to their families/significant other makes me feel a bit weird - as if you hit a weak spot in glass and it quivers a little and your perception through it changes a bit. Maybe I want to be on the other side of this glass. Maybe I'm not an alien after-all. I think these feelings are getting stronger with age (biology) and as people around you become less single. I guess I am starting to understand it - this intimacy thing - it's not wanting to be with someone, it's wanting to not be with no-one, it's not finding the one, it's taking the best one at that time and eventually you stop looking and there, you have settled. It's like dust particles with electrostatic forces. Or something. Excited. So many interesting conversations - with new people and with people within the lab. Wow, wouldn't it be amazing if I could do all of these things? Wouldn't it be amazing if these compliments were true? Maybe I should just take the motivation and run with it ... but I still hope they mean it. Some interesting comments on my poster and also on other people's work. Some interesting ways people deal with new information. Interesting ways people debate scientific problems. Interesting ways people show their enthusiasm for their work/field, which I guess is a reflection of their understand of Science and how it contributes to the wider ... well, world, I guess. I don't know if thinking about this stuff is dumb, you know?? Is it stupid? Is it a waste of time??
Liver. Needs recovery time. Enough said. =S I should probably dance more. I like that 60's stuff, hip-hop and to some extent, ballroom. One day.
Scientist. Putting "Scientist" in the occupation field of MC's arrival card made me giggle because it was as if someone put "Superman" in there. It's just so surreal to me - a REAL scientist? REALLY!? I am in the world of Science now? I am in the same room as people who wrestle knowledge? Ooh, me! Me!!! Prepare me for the ring!!!
Young Turk. A revisited term (I had forgotten what it meant). I don't know if that's a compliment or criticism. Guess it depends on whether you think the action/behaviour is progressive or trouble-making. Hm. It's like the struggle between being different and wanting to be accepted/belong... questioning authority and keeping status quo because there is no reason for it not to. But not good for that whole loneliness thing - being different AND questioning authority. The masses don't like that, no. But then who said I would feel less alone among the masses?
I keep asking for approval, though. That doesn't sound like a rebel to me. San Francisco. I really like the way the city is laid out. I like the art scene. I like the waterfront (always been in cities with harbours). I like the "architecture". I enjoyed going to the Museum of Modern Art. I wonder what other people think/feel when they perceive those same pieces? I wonder what the artist was thinking? The city centre feels so prosperous, yet on the way to Montgomery St. Station on the BART, we passed by a lot of different suburbs (and even down the other end of Market St. was getting a bit of varied [one of these rare occasions where a chinese adjective comes into my head and no English version appears])... Technorati Tags : Cherrieland, Conference, Life, San Francisco 
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